Spring Break

The first day of Spring Break
Can even make
Judge Judy
Tolerable,
Jeuvenille
Worth listening to,
Rollerball 2
Worth watching,
and
Hand blowers
Worth the time to push a second time to get the grooves
Between your fingers
Completely dry.

Global Recruiting

There comes a point in a boy's life
when he realizes
for the first time
that his boyhood dream
of becoming a
professional baseball player
can actually be
calculated
mathematically,
by his accountant father,
to round out
to be about
1 in 1,575,000,
the number increasing rapidly
with a constant rise in immigration and a higher emphasis on
global scouting.

Then it becomes a point in that boy's life
when he can just relax
and enjoy the rest of his
tee-ball season.

Sinking Feeling

You know that
Sinking feeling
You get
Deep down in your heart
Right after you
Rob St. Francis Retirement Community?
Hopefully not.

Vacation

Job well done Bob,
Good work today.

You smell that fresh
Spring air?

You know what that means?
Yessir, only 3 months till
Vacation.

Only 3 more months of
Sinching up that threadbare tie,
Sucking up to just the right guy,
Lying again to cover a lie,
Longing for vacation as your
Life slips by,

Dreading every second of
What you do and
Who you've become
Just to own
A fancier car that has never gotten you
Anywhere better,
An extra bedroom
You actually need now that you
Don't sleep
In the same bed as your wife anymore,
And three weeks paid vacation
That couldn't possibly
Heal
The damage of the past
11 months.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Bob!
Congratulations on
Surviving
For 47 years,
Keep it up!

Oh yeah, and by the way
There is a difference between
Surviving and
Living.

Beauty

I have been searching for something,
Something that I lost
A long time ago.

It is always just outside of my reach.

Part of the problem is that
I forget what it
Looks like.

I have seen glimpses of it
In a dark cavernous pool,
Or a hidden alpine lake,
Or the form of a woman.

And it stops my breath
Because it reminds me of something that
I've never seen,
But that I've always been
Secretly looking for.

Beauty
Frustrates me.

It reminds me of a place I
Have never been
And cannot go,
Yet,
And it always leaves me
Wanting
More.

I Have A Dream

I have a dream
About once a week or so
That there is a
Giant snake
In our
Bed.
It's usually a gigantic
Albino python.

And man, do I go
Nuts,
And man, does Carly
Freak out.
I start smashing the whole bed
With my pillow
And I swear,
Even after I've been awake for a couple minutes,
I swear that it's still there,
But I just can't
Find it.

I'm sure psychologists would say
That it symbolizes some kind of
Mumbo jumbo,
Like I'm maladjusted from childhood,
Or anxious about death,
Or scared of snakes.

So, Carly reassures me that there is
No giant snake in our bed
As I lay back down and wonder about
Symbolism,
And low-cut nightgowns,
And whether I shouldn't prove to her
That there actually is a
Giant albino python
In our bed.

Man nurse, you are truly awesome

There are some truly,
Truly,
Awesome people out there
But they just don't know it
Because they are too busy trying to be
Normal and healthy.

So,
It is a good thing
To run up to these people
Really fast
And tell them that they are really
Awesome,
And to tell them loudly
For inspiration.

Like,
The other day
I saw this old
Male nurse
And he was just walking along
Not even realizing how awesome he was.

So,
I ran up to him,
Like I mentioned before,
And let him know,
Loudly.

I think
He suddenly realized that
I was right
Because he just turned around and
Walked the other way.

Kind of like
A symbolic gesture of
Turning
From his old, extremely dull
Way of life,
And entering into a life of
Extroadinary feats.

Fresh Ink

Old man,
Your boundless depth
Of wisdom and
Experience
Draws me to your
Well.

I am Thirsty.

The fire behind the
Sun and wind of your
Wrinkled eyes
Whispers
"I know God,
Come,
Follow me"

I am hungry.

You are not finished.
Your life is demanded of you
Today
And tomorrow,
And I am here to
Take it.

But I don't know how to
Ask,
And you don't know how to
Offer.

And so
The shade and strength of a
Great oak
Remain hidden behind
Usher handshakes,
Golf carts,
And annual birthday cards
With $20
And no
Fresh
Ink.

Life

It was fear
And wonder
That drew me to last
Approach the
Coffin
And place my trembling
Hand on his chest.
The lack of
Heartbeat
Lifted the awe from
Cold reality.

Death
Illuminates
Life.

Mr. Edwards the Teacher

"Mr. Edwards, you got a haircut"
"Oh, yah, I guess you're right"
"Why did you cut it?"
"I'm very passionate about
Fire Safety,
This way it's less
Flammable"
"Really?"

"Mr. Edwards, what kind of shoes are those?"
"They're armadillo shoes"
"Why is it tan and green?"
"It just happened to be
Changing colors
When they killed it"
"Really?"

"Mr. Edwards, how old is your brother?"
"6 months younger than me"
"So are you twins?"
"I guess,
kind of"

"Mr. Edwards, what are your top 5
Favorite things?"
"Hot tubs, palm trees,
dogs,
shoelace tips, and
beef"
"You like dogs more than your
Wife?"
"She's still top 50"
"Yah, but that's not very nice"
"But of all the things,
In all the world,
Top 50 is a pretty respectable
Percentile"

"Mr. Edwards, what's your favorite quote?"
"Socks before shoes"
"Who said that?"
"I think it's just an old
Wive's Tale"
"That's stupid"
"Pride comes before the
Fall"
"What"
"Exactly"

Practical Jokes

Practical jokes are
Hilarious.
My favorite, classic one, is to walk up to
Someone
And tell them to stand next to you
And they say
"Okay, sure",
But then you keep moving around
And around
Until they are running around
And around
Trying really hard to stand next to you,
Until you both get
So tired
That you just
Fall down exhausted
And just roll around laughing,
And that is a good time to
Introduce yourself.

Offense?

"No offense or anything,
But...................."

What could you possibly end that statement with that
Wouldn't
Be offensive?
".......but your lasagna does'nt really taste like lasagna"
".......but your head is misshapen"
".......but your face looks like, well,
I couldn't even say without
Violently
Throwing up"

That's the whole reason you start out with
"No offense or anything"
Because you know beyond
A shadow of a doubt
That you are about to say the most offensive thing
You have ever said in your
Life,
And the best part is
That you're going to get away with it
Because you threw in the
"No offense or anything" clause.

"...or anything"
What does THAT even mean?
"No offense or....
Or any other negative feelings of
Repulsion,
Disgust,
Or hatred
That you normally would otherwise
Feel
When someone says what
I'm about to say,
And all you have the right to say back is
"Oh,
None taken"

Snow Day Today

I miss spending the night at
Bobby's
When school was cancelled early for snow.
Just having unofficial plans of being
Expected to be with my
friends
And not having any official plans,
Other than going out in the
Snow.
Now another snow day,
Only I'm grown up and just sit at home,
Alone,
And write about it.
Dang it, I'm tired of just
writing abou

Human Fuel Tyrrany

I disagree.
We should go to war over the price of fuel.
Take over countries like
Brazil,
Columbia,
Peru,
Just for their rich, dark,
Fluid gold mines of
Tyrrany.
Seriously, how could you not be
Upset
About paying
$85 per gallon for
Coffee.

Mustard

I knew the right times to say
"Right", or
"Okay", or
"Hmm",
While looking away
Pensively
Every now and then.

All I could think about was that she still had some mustard
On her chin,
My underwear was
Scrunching up,
And the only difference between
Killing a man
And wasting his time
Is just a matter of
Degrees.

Wrestling

My tummy hurt
So I slipped out of the top of our bunkbed
As quietly as I could
Like a ninja
In footie pajamas.
I opened the door of my parents room
And ran straight back to our room
To wake Tommy up.

"Tom, mom and dad are
Wrestling,
And I think
Mom's winning!"

So,
We put on our capes
And charged.