The Beard

Having a beard for the past month
has changed my life.
I think every man
at some point in their 20's
should grow a beard
to be fully initiated into manhood.

Manhood doesn't come easy.
Here is a list of official steps
towards becoming a real man....

1. Learn to drive stick
2. Catch a fish with a fly rod
3. Pack your own pipe to burn all the way through by only lighting it once
4. Appreciate jazz
5. Be able to taste the difference of single-malt scotch
6. Beat your father in chess
7. Build your own piece of furniture
8. Change your own oil
9. Buy your wife lingerie
10. Spend a night alone in the woods

and number 11.......
Grow a beard,
a real, full beard,
and then be described by someone who doesn't know you as
"the guy with the beard".

Number 11 was the last on my list
because there have been little patches
past the corners of my mouth
that have been stubbornly bare
for the past 26 years.
But now,
finally now,
I am a fully bearded man.

And oh is it glorious!
Old men don unearned respect
and children default to subservient subordination,
without hesitation.
I drive slower,
eat longer,
speak deeper,
and slurp my soup
with reckless abandon.

Confidence exudes
and no kingdom is unconquerable
now that I am officially initiated as a
real man
with a beard.